Elvis: The Way You Were


Background

Say you’re Elvis. Not the young Elvis and not the fat Elvis, but that 30-ish half-forgotten Elvis of the late 1960’s. What is it like to be Elvis at this stage? Well, without really knowing a damn thing about it, I’d say it’s pretty good. You’re rich and famous but you’re not letting it run your life. Your time is your own. Sure, you have to eat and spend some of your time getting up in the morning, just like people who are not Elvis, and if you fall asleep beneath a tree on a warm day, you still have to get up when it cools off later in the day and go indoors. Now and then you get a flower arrangement from someone you’re not sure likes you for yourself. And there’s some psychological fallout: Every couple of months you wake up in the morning and you don’t believe you’re Elvis. But after a shower and some breakfast you realize someone has to be. You live in Elvis’s house with Elvis’s friends and they call you Elvis. You own Elvis’s dog. When Elvis chews the flavor out of his gum, you take it from his mouth and stick it where Elvis sticks his gum. It’s obvious you’re as well qualified to be Elvis as anyone. You’re saving someone else the trouble.

The Freedom

When you’re Elvis at this time, you don’t have to wait for the weekend to see a movie if you don’t want to. You can go early on a Tuesday if you like. If you don’t like the show and would rather be playing with your dog, you just get up and leave. There’s no real restrictions. Canned apricots is something you can have all you want of.

At The Beach

To be Elvis at the beach at this stage is the best. It’s not necessary to lie on your stomach with a towel over your head pretending to tan your back while you look out from under a corner of the towel at the girl nearest your blanket. You can sit right up and pretend to be reading a book, maybe Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, or Rush to Judgment, while you look around grinning, a finger holding your "place" in the book (a rumpled paperback--you can afford the hardback, but the paperback is something a friend might have passed on to you, which says you have friends) as if you’re just resting your eyes a minute and letting the world have a crack at you, you’re no snob.

Things Anyone Could Do But It Helps If You’re Elvis

Sure, anything goes better when you’re Elvis. But being Elvis, you go for the burn. At the diner, you deliberately place one elbow in your mashed potatoes when you lean forward to sweet-talk the waitress. If you’re at the counter, you have your friends hold the newspaper in front of your face while you quickly put on slinky-eye glasses and vampire teeth, then you take back the paper and call for a coffee warm-up. Later, you make her reach down your shirt for the tip. These are things that won’t get just anyone invited back, but for you they work.

I Wonder What The King Is Doing Tonight

You’re Elvis, but at this stage you’re still folks. You set up some Fritos and lemonade, turn on the tube, get out your fan club file and make a random call off the list. “It’s me, Elvis,” you say. You tell her you’re watching Mod Squad, but you’re a little bit lonely and would she like to watch with you. If she asks more than three times “Who is this really?” you hang up and make another call. If not, you wait while she gets herself some snacks and turns on Mod Squad and you take turns sharing comments on the show. You can’t beat being Elvis at this stage.